What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize