Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
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