you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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