Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
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