If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
