Your face is a jimmy john
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
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