I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
there is glitter all over my balls
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
