Whiskey dick.
Yea dude! Love it. Hate it. Have it.
Everyday of my life.
I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
