my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
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