Don't make out with my wife yet
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
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We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
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