I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Randomize
