the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
Randomize
