Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
Randomize
