see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Randomize
