glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
You pole danced in your parka.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
Randomize
