All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
I think I just saw someone hide a body.
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
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Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
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How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?