I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
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Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
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Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.