is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
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just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
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Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.