Already got asked if we're dating
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
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