i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
you had me at cake vodka
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
