Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
