my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
Randomize
