i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
Randomize
