hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
I think my moral compass just broke
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
