Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
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she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
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We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
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