This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
Randomize
