I like my sex mixed with concussions.
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
Randomize
