nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
Its become more of a routine.. Whenever I get done eating and have left overs I just take it over to his house and throw it all over the walls and windows. Pay backs a bitch ehhhh
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
did you just send me my own nude
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
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