thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
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