i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
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