Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
Randomize
