She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
Also, just saw a kid in a gorilla costume being questioned by a boardwalk cop. I love ocean city.
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
I don't think boys are aware how difficult it is to take a picture of your own ass.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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