I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Randomize
