At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
Randomize
