No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
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