I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
Randomize
