Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
Randomize
