If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
the guy next to me needed a pen, so I let him take one from my book bag. my panties are now being passed around the class...thank you for telling me you hid them in my bookbag.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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