Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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