I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
sorry for the late response. was in jail for 6 months.
Randomize
