don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
Randomize
