I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
so i was just informed that i sang that song "pop that pussy ayyy pop that pussy" at the halloween party saturday. iembarrassing.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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