Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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