i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
So gin and wine won't be happening again
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
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