Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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