I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Randomize
