The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Randomize
