I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
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