Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
we're so committed to being not committed
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
