Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
Randomize
