ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
