i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
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