I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
