Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Randomize
