Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
Randomize
