i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
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