Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
2 more and I will have fucked 75 percent of my acting class. best. elective. ever.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Randomize
