I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
i always forget guys have bellybuttons
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
