What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
dude. I can hear the air.
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